Book 1 Chapter 13 Life in the Army

Then he had looked on his spirit as the I; now it was his healthy
strong animal I that he looked upon as himself.

And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceased
to believe himself and had taken to believing others. This he had
done because it was too difficult to live believing one's self;
believing one's self, one had to decide every question not in
favour of one's own animal life, which is always seeking for easy
gratifications, but almost in every case against it. Believing
others there was nothing to decide; everything had been decided
already, and decided always in favour of the animal I and against
the spiritual. Nor was this all. Believing in his own self he was
always exposing himself to the censure of those around him;
believing others he had their approval. So, when Nekhludoff had
talked of the serious matters of life, of God, truth, riches, and
poverty, all round him thought it out of place and even rather
funny, and his mother and aunts called him, with kindly irony,
notre cher philosophe. But when he read novels, told improper
anecdotes, went to see funny vaudevilles in the French theatre
and gaily repeated the jokes, everybody admired and encouraged
him. When he considered it right to limit his needs, wore an old
overcoat, took no wine, everybody thought it strange and looked
upon it as a kind of showing off; but when he spent large sums on
hunting, or on furnishing a peculiar and luxurious study for
himself, everybody admired his taste and gave him expensive
presents to encourage his hobby. While he kept pure and meant to
remain so till he married his friends prayed for his health, and
even his mother was not grieved but rather pleased when she found
out that he had become a real man and had gained over some French
woman from his friend. (As to the episode with Katusha, the
princess could not without horror think that he might possibly
have married her.) In the same way, when Nekhludoff came of age,
and gave the small estate he had inherited from his father to the
peasants because he considered the holding of private property in
land wrong, this step filled his mother and relations with dismay
and served as an excuse for making fun of him to all his
relatives. He was continually told that these peasants, after
they had received the land, got no richer, but, on the contrary,
poorer, having opened three public-houses and left off doing any
work. But when Nekhludoff entered the Guards and spent and
gambled away so much with his aristocratic companions that Elena
Ivanovna, his mother, had to draw on her capital, she was hardly
pained, considering it quite natural and even good that wild oats
should be sown at an early age and in good company, as her son
was doing. At first Nekhludoff struggled, but all that he had
considered good while he had faith in himself was considered bad
by others, and what he had considered evil was looked upon as
good by those among whom he lived, and the struggle grew too
hard. And at last Nekhludoff gave in, i.e., left off believing
himself and began believing others. At first this giving up of
faith in himself was unpleasant, but it did not long continue to
be so. At that time he acquired the habit of smoking, and
drinking wine, and soon got over this unpleasant feeling and even
felt great relief.