Flight

I am coming to the holiday of my life; a time that seems, as I
look back to it, like a chequered mosaic of pleasure pieces
laid in bright colours, all in harmony, and making out a
pattern of beauty. It is odd I should speak so; for I have
known other holidays, when fewer clouds were in my sky and
fewer life-shadows stretching along the landscape.
Nevertheless, this is how it looks to me in the retrospect;
and to write of it, is like setting the pins of that mosaic
work over again. Not one of them is lost in my memory.

Truly I have known other holidays; yet never one that took me
out of so much harassment and perplexity. And I could not get
rid of all my burdens, even in Palestine; but somehow I got
rid of all my anxious trouble about them. I had left behind so
much, that I accepted even thankfully all that remained. I was
free from mamma's schemes for me, and cleared from the pursuit
of those who seconded her schemes; they could not follow me in
the Holy Land. No more angry discussions of affairs at home,
and words of enmity and fierce displeasure toward the part of
the nation that held my heart. No more canvassing of war news;
not much hearing of them, even; a clean escape from the
demands of society and leisure for a time to look into my
heart and see what condition it was in. And to my great
astonishment I had found the love of admiration and the
ambition of womanly vanity beginning to stir again; in me, who
knew better things, and who really did not value these; in me,
who had so much to make me sober and keep down thoughts of
folly. I found that I had a certain satisfaction when entering
a room, to know that the sight of me gave pleasure; yes, more;
I liked to feel that the sight of no one else gave so much
pleasure. I could hardly understand, when I came to look at
it, how so small a satisfaction could have taken possession of
my mind; I was very much ashamed; but the fact remained. When
we set sail for Palestine I got clear, at least for the time,
from all this. I hoped for ever. - And it was exceedingly
sweet to find myself alone with papa.