The First Smoke of the Battlefield

Miss Cardigan left the room; and for a time I turned
over leaves vigorously. But the images of modern warfare began
to mix themselves inconveniently with the struggles of long
ago. Visions of a grey uniform came blending in dissolving
views with the visions of monarchs in their robes of state and
soldiers in heavy armour; it meant much, that grey uniform;
and a sense of loss and want and desolation by degrees crept
over me, which had nothing to do with the ruin of kingdoms.
The books grew heavy; my hands trembled; yet still I tried to
make good work, and bade myself deal with the present and let
the past and the future alone. The "present" being represented
by my school day and my studies. Could I do it? The past and
the future rushed in at last, from opposite sides as it were,
and my "present" was overthrown. I dropped my books and myself
too, as nearly as possible; my heart gave way in a deep
passion of tears.

Now I tried to reason myself out of this. What had I lost? I
asked myself. What were these tears for? What had I lost, that
I had not been without until only twelve hours before? Indeed
rather, what had I not gained? But my reasonings were of no
use. Against them all, some vision of Thorold's face, some
sparkle of his eyes, some touch of his hand, would come back
to me, and break down my power and unlock fresh fountains of
tears. This passion of self-indulgence was not like me, and
surprised myself. I suppose the reason was, I had been so long
alone; I had been working my way and waiting, in exile from
home as it were, so many days and years; nobody that loved me
better than I loved myself had been near me for so very long;
that the sweetness so suddenly given and so suddenly taken
away left me a little unsteady. Was it wonderful? The joy and
the grief were both new; I was not braced for either; the one
seemed to add poignancy to the other; and between the two
facts, that Thorold loved me, and that he was gone from me
into what might be a duty of danger, - that he was gone into
danger and that he loved me, - for a little while my soul was
tossed back and forth like a ship on a stormy sea, unable to
make any headway at all. And so Miss Cardigan found me. She
half lifted half drew me up, I remember; made me lie down
again on the sofa, gave me some hot tea to drink; and when she
had made me drink it, she sat still looking at me, silent, and
I thought a good deal disturbed. It would be difficult to tell
why I thought so. Perhaps it was because she said nothing. I
lay quiet with my face hid in my hands.