LACEY WOKE suddenly in the middle of the night, her head pounding.

"Is it the booze, or is it the cancer?" she said aloud to the night. Don't be so sarcastic, you silly thing, she chastised herself. She sighed and rolled over in bed and tried vainly to get back to sleep.

She tossed and turned and finally got up. It was only five a.m. but she started the coffee anyway, and gulped down several aspirin. All the potent tension of the day before had dissipated.

She felt utterly empty, all used up.

As she sipped her coffee, she contemplated the day. After all, it really is not any different today. Oh yes it is! I feel all right today. I have today to live, and tomorrow too. Big deal! While she bickered back and forth with herself, she realized she had been sub-consciously making decisions for weeks.

I will not waste any more time. I cannot stand being sad any more. She put on her coat and went out to walk. She would cancel the Florida trip and stay home. She would play bridge as often as possible. She would help plan her daughter's wedding. She would go back on-line and research end of life choices again, and make an informed decision about where and when she would die. She would make sure everyone who was near her understood the contents of her living will, so she would never, ever, be attached to tubes and respirators, trapped in a bed, unable to control her life. It is my life. None of you can make me suffer! She would not have any more chemo. She would not allow herself to suffer and be humiliated like Jake. What about the darn tests? I will feel better knowing if it is anywhere else but the liver, I guess. Otherwise every little ache and pain will make me think it's the cancer there! Feeling better to have a set course of action, Lacey walked briskly along in the fall air, surprised at the lightness of her mood.